I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
