Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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