I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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