Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
