So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
