the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
