John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
