good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
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I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
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Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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