I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
