I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
