I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
