Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
