did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
