I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
