Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
