Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
