This is not my ceiling
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
