you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
