He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
