Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
