Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
