I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
