So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
