And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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