there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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