Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
