Tell her she can't have a vagina
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
