Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm both gender and math confused
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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