It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
