dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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