Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
