our cab driver is having phone sex.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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