I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
