no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
