I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
