I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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