checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
