Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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