I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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