I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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