There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
