We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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