Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
