ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
