the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
