I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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