So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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