Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
