upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It's blow job season.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
