A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
