Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
