Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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