why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
