I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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