Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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