i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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