Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
