I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
