It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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