i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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