my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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