so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
