having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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